Thursday, January 6, 2011

"Are You a Runner?" [Long Pause]

Maybe I'm naive, but I don't generally prepare for a head on collision with existential crisis in the middle of a holiday party, but that's just what I should have done a few weeks ago.

It was a little before Christmas, and my wife and I were at a gathering at a friend's house.  We began chatting with a woman who we'd never met before, a new transplant to the area who also happens to be a trail runner.  After talking a bit about the races she'd done and where she had lived before moving, she asked me what I'm sure seemed an innocent enough question: "Are you a runner?"

Now, having  been a devoted runner most of my teenage and adult life (now in my forties), having in the not too distant past completed many races in the 50 - 100 mile range, and having logged a number of miles in 2010 that would make the Surgeon General ecstatic - I was surprised to find myself silenced by the question, not really knowing what the true - what the exact - answer was.

As I've chronicled ad nauseam on these pages, I've been plagued by a knee injury for over a year now that has kept my running haphazard at best, and that simple question posed amidst cups of spiced wine and canape's brought to a pinpoint all my machination of thought on the subject over the last 13 months.   It was existential crisis on 34th street.

After a very long pause, my wife gently answered "yes" for me, either as an easy way out of the tiresome "knee" conversation or as a generally truthful answer to a simple question.  Not surprisingly, the woman soon found an excuse to find more engaging, less doltish company.  And that was that. 

Yet, I've been turning this exchange around in my head for the past few weeks, and I still don't know exactly how to answer it.  In gross terms, I am a runner, of course.  Barring the occasional and now regular flare up of my knee injury, I run regularly week in and week out.  And my miles would usually put me in the high end of the recreational category.

In many ways, though, I am no longer a runner - at least not in the sense that I've come to define it.  No longer possible are the 5 hour training runs, the 100 mile weeks, and the epic-distance races - the weekly dance on the edge of the possible that at the same time leaves you feeling exhausted, exhilarated, and triumphant.  For now, I am so removed from these things that it doesn't seem quite right to apply the label "runner" to myself.  That my injury may be getting more pronounced over time rather than better (and with no ready fix for it) makes it ever harder for me to do so.

"Are you a runner?" It really laid bare what's made the last year rough for me, and I don't believe it's the immediate answer that made me pause for so long, but the answer that might come after looking a couple years in to the future, and the possibility that I might have to answer: "I used to be."

Like so many of us, I cherish running's purity of effort, its strangely direct line to the human archetype, and its natural camaraderie.  It'd be a difficult thing to lose completely.  Likely, it won't come to that.  It'll be a continual and slow adjustment to a new normal - for mileage and for races and most importantly for me, for expectations.

I do know, however, that wherever things wind up - high mileage, low mileage, no mileage - running will always be a major part of who I am, whether I get to label myself a runner or not.

14 comments:

AJW said...

Hank,

Great post. And, a quick memory: About seven years ago I was on a long run with my good friend and 10 time WS Finisher Kevin Sawchuk. We reflected for a while on a simple question:

"If you could run one more 100 mile race, get a PR and win and then never run another day in your life would you take that or would you rather run 2 miles every day for the rest of your life never running any farther than that in any single run."

For both of us, the answer was easy. The latter...

Trail Clown said...

New reader of this blog, first time commenting...I'm assuming you've considered/done the whole minimalist thing to try and strengthen different leg/foot areas which might help the ailing knee? It could be that a whole new era could be opening up for you, and you're just in that transitional period with all the angst that change brings. Slowing down and changing the style, but running pain-free and far. Forgive me if you've already posted on all those things...

Brad Mitchell said...

Good read - you are a runner, nordic skier, and maybe I'll get you on the MTB this summer - a multi sport athlete - nothing wrong with that!
I know how you feel, it took some time but I have accepted the fact that ultras are a thing of the past for me and consistent running/training comes and goes, so, to inflict some good suffering look to the mountains - shorter, steeper, and at times will make you feel like you ran an ultra.

Hank Dart said...

@Brad. If you'd seen me at the Christmas Classic, you wouldn't be so fast to call me a Nordic skier, but I'll go with it nevertheless. Thanks for the voice of experience. Does this mean I'll get to be a USATF trail champion too?

@Trail Clown. Thanks for the advice. I'm working my way through things, and (rare for me) bought some minimalist shoes last season, and I really had fun with them. We'll see if they can eventually set things right.

@AJW. Great perspective that's great to hear. Thanks. And if turns out that it was my swan song ultra, it'd be hard to beat '09 Wasatch, with the star-studded crew and pacer. Cheers.

greydawn said...

relatively new reader to your blog but I am convinced you are a damn amazing runner!

WatchMomRun said...

Hank, really good post. But let me tell you something - knee injury or not, with the exception of elite and ultra endurance athlete, 99.99% of the population would say that you ARE a Runner. I believe it doesnt matter how many miles you put in, how fast you go.. if you enjoy running and make it a part of your lifestyle, then you have the rights to claim that title. And you do, very much.

Hank Dart said...

@WatchMomRun, thanks very much. I think I'm slowly moving in that direction. Appreciate the push.

Gretchen said...

This one has been tossing around in my head since reading it yesterday morning. (I think that's the sign of a great blog post, btw.) It's because it's a question I contemplate fairly often - why and how we label ourselves as runners. The term "runner" is such a big part of how I see myself, and how others see me, that it feels worrisome. Who would I be without this label?

At least two things I know about this:

1) Being a runner isn't about how many miles you run or how fast you run them, it's about your passion for the sport. Pretty darn sure you qualify based on that definition.

2) Being a passionate individual means you will always find some outlet for that passion, whether it's running, skiing, climbing, writing, etc. I know not everything can be what running is, but part of that is because you put so much into running. When you channel that much energy (physical and emotional) into anything, it becomes fulfilling and important to your life.

Anyway, great post, Hank. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Hank Dart said...

@Gretchen, I really appreciate your feedback and insightful thoughts. It's definitely been a big -and slow to develop - adjustment, but I'm getting there and hope I'll get to run some miles along the way. Cheers.

Stacy said...

Really great to have a new post from you, Hank. Yours remains one of my favorite blogs. Like Gretchen, I actually waited a few days to comment because this was such a thought-provoking post.

That said, I don't really have anything very insightful to add. For whatever reason, I have complete confidence you'll ultimately find a way to overcome your injury or adapt to a "new normal" that will include running.

Hank Dart said...

Stacy, very kind and very nice to hear. Thank you.

Mamaku said...

So glad to have been introduced to your blog! This is a terrific post. If "being a runner" is only about miles and minutes logged, then I stopped being one for good after my last surgery. But if it's more a state of mind - getting outdoors, letting the rhythm of your footsteps make order of even the most jumpbled thoughts - then I'm going to be "a runner" for the rest of my life and so, I imagine, will you.

Palmer Jackson said...

Hank -- great post. I think the pool is beckoning you. I, too, have been slowed by a few injuries lately and am not running as much as I would like. More cycling and swimming these days. My goal for this year is to gradually get my running mileage back up, but not to big numbers. 30 miles a week would be a dream for me right now.

Swimming has been such a great gift for me. You can really swim hard and not feel any ill effects. Cycling has also been great.

Hank Dart said...

@mamaku and @palmer, thanks very much. And I know you both know what I'm writing about. Nordic skiing's been a great way to stay sane & fiit and give the knee a little rest this winter. Anything to stay out of the pool, for me.